Check my rider.

I’ll admit that as a child I didn’t have a dream job. I never wanted to be a marine biologist, or a baseball player, or a teacher, or a mother, or make-up artist to the stars. The closest that I got to imagining my ideal adult life was when I told the high school year book “reporter” that I hoped to one day be a lounge singer. I briefly imagined myself in a sexy red dress, draped across a piano, drinking a martini and slurring love songs into a microphone. In my mind I was a magical blend of Jessica Rabbit and 1990’s Courtney Love.

               Image result for drunk courtney love

Truthfully, all that all I’ve ever really wanted to be was rich and famous, desired and feared. I wanted to be a celebrity, but in the days before the internet was (airquotes) A Thing. A celebrity, being hounded by the paparazzi, but before Princess Diana was killed in that car crash. All the fame and fortune, but without the hassle.  George Clooney always made it look so easy.  I wanted that.

I want a life where I'd end up poolside in a tuxedo.
I want a life where I’d end up poolside in a tuxedo.

If I were a celebrity, being interviewed on late night tv or making paid appearances at corporate functions or university commencements, or even hawking my wares on late night tv, I would totally be one of those twatty celebrities with an obnoxious rider. I’d nitpick about the small things, because, c’mon, who doesn’t like to be surrounded by their favourite things?

I’d insist upon things like:

1. The fixings for hot toddies: the perfect cure for the sniffles, sore throat, insomnia, or insufferable travel companions. Lemon wedges (not slices), hot water, honey, and whiskey (Crown Royal please) and no less than 6 large ceramic mugs.

2. Plain Ruffles chips

3. Cold beer (funny, I’m not too picky on this front); and

4. Blue peanut m&ms. Only the blue ones!

I haven’t managed fame and fortune yet, and I’m not really hanging my hat on Roller Derby getting me any closer to my goal, but none the less, this weekend Dev and I will be at the mic for the Capital City Derby Dolls home opener.  You can catch me getting drunk in public announcing the Dolly Rogers (game 1) and coaching the Dollinquents (game 2).

So, my derbyIMG_20150514_142412_edit announcing duties / superstardom lead to a text conversation between CCDD’s league president, Delicate Plower, and I, wherein she asked me to plug our sponsors, and I asked her to do all the dirty work and make me a concise list of all the stuff I need to remember on Saturday night. At that exact moment, I came as close to being a demanding star as I may every get.

This doesn’t have much to do with anything.  I’m clearly procrastinating about telling you about my last visit with The Mick.  I promise I’ll get to it in the next few days, but first, we’ve got some bouts to watch!

Oh, and if you’re in Ottawa this weekend, make sure to check out the Dolly Rogers and the Dollinquents as they face off against GTAR’s G-sTARs and Debutants.

I mean, I’ll be there.  What more do you need?


2 thoughts on “Check my rider.

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